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Irish toast May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.
As the Irishman said to William Wallace in "Braveheart" -- " The Lord said he can get me outof this one, but he's pretty sure you're fucked." and another one " In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God"
Q. What is Irish
diplomacy?
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.
Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".
AN IRISH MOTHER Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved. Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good. Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since. Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt. Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery. His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out. I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me. Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets. Your Father wanted to buy it from him. It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes. Your loving Mother XXXX P.S. I was going to send you 10 Punt, but I'd already sealed the envelope.
(Pat & Mike were
Irishmen who emigrated to the States in the 1930's during
St. Patrick's Skull Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls."What are you doing?" asked the American. "I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him £50.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "God", said Bud, "What are you doing?" "I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!" said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick." "Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!"
O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!" "For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women." Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"
A young Irish girl goes
into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
Two beggars, Seamus and Niall, were walking along the road at dusk. Being the more amatuer of the two, Niall complained loudly "I'm famished! How will we get something to eat this night?" "Worry not," said Seamus, "I'll show you how it's done." As they approached a farmhouse, he picked up a dried cowpie from the field and went to the door. He knocked on the door, and the missus answered. "Yes," she said. "Forgive me missus," begged Seamus, "I am but a humble beggar with nought to eat but this dried old cowpie. Could I trouble you for some salt to go with it?" "Why that's no fit meal for a man," the woman exclaimed. "Come in here and sit down, I'll feed you proper." A half hour later, Seamus emerged from the house stuffed with lamb and potatoes and smiling ear to ear. "Wow," shouted Niall, "I can do that!" He ran to the next farmhouse, grabbing his own cowpie on the way. He knocked on the door, and the missus answered. "Forgive me missus," he begged, "I am but a humble beggar with nought to eat but this dried-up old cowpie. Could I trouble you for some salt to go with it? "Sakes," she cried "that's no fit meal for a man. Go on out back and get yerself a fresh one."
MacAndrews was
visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he
Finnegan sold
Clancy a donkey, three weeks later they
A solicitor from
Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a
farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the
elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I
shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up." The old man
answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not
coming over." The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you knw that I'm one of
the best solicitors in all of Ireland, and if you don't let me retrieve my
bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!" The old farmer looked him
over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't
know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick
method. "And what would that be?", asked the lawyer. The farmer said, "First I
kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like
that till one or the other gives up." The attorney thought this over, and
quickly decided he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to the local
custom. The old farmer walked slowly over to the lawyer. His first kick
planted the toe of his heavy boot in the solicitor's groin dropping him to his
knees. The second blow nearly wiped the lawyers nose off his face. The
attorney was flat on the ground when the farmer's third kick to the kidney
almost finished him. The lawyer dug deep for his every bit of will, dragged
himself standing, and said, "Okay you old bugger, now it's my turn. The old
farmer just smiled and said, "Naw I believe I'll give up now. You can have the
bird."
Farewell to Ireland:
Irish Catholic Mother's Bragging Four Catholic
ladies are having coffee together.
It seems three
Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon
encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he
addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates,
don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went
in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by
ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately
joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well
love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse
for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed
to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck.
Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the
most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He
gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I
don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a
sudden I stepped on a duck."
Grainne Haloran
takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son
comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her
husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The
little boy says, 'Dark in here' The man says, 'Yes it is.'Her son says - 'I have
a skateboard
Seamus
O'Malley is playing golf when he takes a hard struck golf ball The loving Irish
wife
MORE
IRISH LOGIC!
Two
Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign
So Murphy's in the pup
and down in the dumps.
"Lad's," he says, "you
see that magnicificent bar, the beautiful handiwork, the jointery, the finish?
I made that bar."
"Aye, Murphy, that you
did."
"And what am I called
in these parts and in this pub? Am I called 'Murphy the bar maker'?"
"No, Murphy, that yer
not."
"And half the fences
that have been built in this county of the last few years...sturdy, expertly
built fences...I built them."
"Aye, Murphy, that you
did."
"But how am I referred
to across the county? Am I known as 'Murphy the fence builder'?"
"No, Murphy, that yer
not."
"And songs. Beautiful,
heartbreaking songs that you yourselves sing in this very bar and that your
grandsons will be singing after you. I wrote them."
"Aye, Murphy, that you
did."
"And what will be my
legacy after me death? Will I be remembered as 'Murphy the songwriter'?"
"No, Murphy, that you
won't."
"But I get drunk one
night and I fuck one bloody sheep..."
"Aye, Murphy, that you
did."
The Garda, a
disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to
berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After
the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the
poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.
"The circle flies
botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em
circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on
the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds."
says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a
harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no,"
protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes
back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool
the flies, though."
The warden catches
Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you
poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?"
says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket
full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't
understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a
good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to
believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say
Seamus.
So they walk back to
the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They
stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to
the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue!
shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"
One St.
Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey
to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he
spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On
leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule
green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went
back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his
prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very
large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to
me?" Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."
Mrs. O'Leary is
chatting with Mrs. O'Malley over the back fence. She says, "I'm so sorry to
hear about your Tommy passing away, what was it that he died of?" Mrs.
O'Malley looks around and replies quietly, "Oh, he died of the gonorrhea."
In a suspicious tone
Mrs. O'Leary says, "I thought I read he died of the diarrhea?"
Again Mrs. O'Malley
looks around and then exclaims, " Well, actually he did, but I want the world
to remember him as a real man, instead of the dribbling little shit that he
was!"
Mrs. O'Leary is
chatting with Mrs. O'Rourke in the front parlor when she glances out the
window and shrieks, "Oh no, here comes my Paddy up the front walk with a
bouquet of flowers! I suppose this means I'll be spending the entire weekend
on my back with my legs in the air!"
In a puzzled tone Mrs.
O'Rourke replies, "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"
A man had been
admitted to the local hospital with dysentery after a safari
John O'Riley
was a member of an Irish Toast Masters' Club.
In memoriam clipping
from a cork news paper
DONNACHIES BAR
COBH
due to the sad death
of paddy, the bar to all intents and purpose, will remain closed during our
grief, but so as not to inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door
will remain ajar. Tis what paddy wanted .
thank you .
Donnachie family.
Mary Murphy, lately widowed, is chatting
over the back fence with Colleen Connell. "Mary", she says, "How are you
holding up after the death of your dear Sean?" " Awful," replies Mary, "I
miss him so much, what with the money spent on drink, the awful smell of
farts and missing Mass for the hangover. "I'm shocked Mary Murphy, how can
you miss those things "Oh I don't miss 'em, I miss havin' someone to blame 'em
on."
During WW2 a
German spy was trained to go to Ireland. "We need to keep an eye on what the
Irish are up to," said the Herr Kommandant.
"We will parachute
you into Ireland, where you will go to the local town and ask for Murphy. He
is your contact. You will say to him, 'The weather could change by Tuesday.'
"
The German duly
landed in Ireland, buried his parachute and set off for the town. On the way
he saw a local farm worker in a field.
"Güt Morg... I
mean, Good Morning. Vould you know vair I can find Mister Murphy?"
"Well, Sir,"
answers the man. " It all depends on which Murphy you want. We have a Father
Murphy; a Doctor Murphy; Murphy in the post-office; Murphy the Chemist and, as
a matter of fact, my name is Murphy."
"Oh mein Gott!"
thinks the German. Then he has an idea. He says, "The weather could change
by Tuesday!"
A beatific smile
of recognition illuminates the Irishman's face.
"Ah," says he, "You'll
be wanting Murphy, the spy!"
There is
an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room
where Patty is and says, "Patrick,
oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were
spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then
you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something
special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."
Patty replied, "Oh Margaret,
you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."
"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted,
"In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that
Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up
for ya." Patty
got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right
away."
So Patty
goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As
he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey
Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty refuses, "No, no, no,
no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."
The keep it up, "C'mon Patty,
just one, let me buy ya one!" Patty
answers, No, no, no, I've
got to go.
Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has
to go passed the pub once again, they
start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty
answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got
to go. They beg, "C'mon
boy, just one." Patty
responds, "No, I've got to go. I've
got..........Well..........Just one."
It's
11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!"
Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then
trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and
comes out and yells, "Patty! It's
after 11 o'clock! What took ya so long?!?
Where ya been?!?" Patty
looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere,
gets up, waves and exclaims,
"Come on Boys,
keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"
Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"
Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there Murphy, I can't see, theirs trees in the way!
A visitor to a small Irish village commented to a local Garda that it was a quiet little place. The Garda replied, quiet to be sure, we haven't buried a living soul in years.
Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish
Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.
Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them , skids, tumbles twice and land in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it's just as well we got out of that field.
Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"
"T''was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots have'nt gotten the joke yet!!"
Ver 1 What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common? The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job. Ver 2
How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Q:
What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?
One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
Why did God invent whiskey?
Murphy was selling his
house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
Two Irishmen met and one
said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,
Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed. Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial. Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds. Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce? Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
SAINT PATRICK AND THE
SERPENTS COPYRIGHT (c), Archeologist excavating in County Meath Ireland have recovered what they think is an original manuscript by St. Patrick dating back to 455 A.D. It was found near the famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill, the spot where St. Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of the great Celtic kings. The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the oldest written Christian text ever recovered in Ireland. It is estimated to be the most valuable find in the 20-year research project since the discovery of the Tara Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it may be in St. Patrick's own hand. Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are excited by information translated from the original Celt that purports to support what up to now has been considered a religious myth: St. Patrick's driving the serpents out of Ireland. Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God revealed how to drive the serpents from the land in a vision. St. Patrick ends his narrative by quoting what God said to him in the vision. "Pat! Trust me, it taste just like chicken." When questioned, the Vatican had no comment.
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
Paddy Adair It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone. The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red Haired Paddy's comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the Oil Rig Fire was Out. The four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!". The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that fucking truck!!"
Irish Airline Pilot (Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!"OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North" "Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction." Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"
Irish Logic One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin."Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?." "Logic" replied Mick. "What's Logic?" said Pat. "Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!" Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions. An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?". Pat: "Logic!" Shamey: "And What's Logic?" Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?" Shamey: "I Do!" Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......" "But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing." "What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
Blackpool PaddyPaddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that".The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast". The young mother says again "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?" Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"
DRIVING IN IRELAND A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby pub. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?" The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife 50 Pounds per week. Michael replied "you're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself.
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "that's them". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of them birds in that cageup there," says Gerry, "Put them in a paper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "This looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, this looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'|. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fuck thatt, this budgie jumpin' is too fuckin' dangerous for me" ======- PART TWO
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Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place. Nigel Grant
Young Mary O'Reilly
thought she was a bit pregnant, and it being the first time she went to see the
doctor, to see if all was right. Coming home to her husband Paddy, she explained
the doctor said he needed a sample. Not wanting to seem ignorant of such things
she had waited to ask Paddy what "a sample" was. Paddy not knowing either said:
"Go see the widow O'Malley, next door, she had eighteen children, she is bound
to know. So young Mary wanders off to the widow O'Malley's. She comes back
about ten minutes later, her dress all torn, he hair a shambles, her face all
scratched. Paddy asks: "What happened to you" And Mary answers: "Well I went to
the widow O'Malley and asked her what a sample was. Pee in a bottle she says.
Shit in your hat, I say. And the fight was on..."
An attractive young Cork lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her Dublin date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Will ye Stop That, Boy!".The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
Bridget Quinn was the parish's oldest surviving "eligible bachelor-ette." She's already outlasted two pastors! She never gives up hope. Never seems to run out of man-hunting stunts, either. Her latest effort -- at the parish annual singles dance -- was a classic. She jumped up on the bandstand, her right hand clenched into a fist, raised high, and then she saucily announced: "Any one of you handsome, virle devils who can guess what's in me' hand can win a week's worth of romantic, candlelight dinners -- just da' two of us, me an' you!!! Nobody spoke up. Dead silence. Then, a witty, older senior gentleman shouts out, "Is it an elephant?" Miss Quinn squealed for joy: "Glory be to God, that's close enough - - - dinner tis' at seven, me boyo!" |
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St Patrick´s Day
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